Ode To Mom

My mom taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning the carpet!"

My mother taught me religion.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me about logic.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me irony.
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about contortionism.
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck."

My mother taught me about stamina.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."

My mother taught me about the circle of life.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

My mother taught me about behaviour modification.
"Stop acting like your father."